I have been wanting to write this post for awhile now. I have prayed for the right words to say. I have written it and re-written it in my mind . I have written it and re-written it on my computer. I wouldn't say that I have agonized over it, but I have searched for words to write that convey the thoughts in my mind. I tend to edit myself, sometimes more than necessary, sometimes less than necessary. I think because the thoughts I want to convey are so deeply felt, I do not want to make light of them. I want so much for you to understand just how deeply I feel these things, and how true these things are in my life. This post may turn into a road trip of sorts, so just hang on, and hopefully we will all arrive at the destination we are meant to.
A year ago this past Christmas I was hospitalized. During this time my doctor suggested that it would be best to have a hysterectomy. I can at times be a touch over dramatic. Those of you who know me and are reading this will most likely laugh at that and say to each other,"Yep, remember the time she....". At least I can admit it myself, right? Anyway, knowing that about myself can be a blessing and a curse. When I started feeling ill, I tried to convince myself that there was really nothing wrong, that surely I would arrive at the ER and would promptly be sent home with the diagnosis that I had eaten too much Christmas fudge. That turned out to not be the case. After four or so days, a blood transfusion and more medicine than would be sufficient to put a cow into a coma, I went home to think it all over. As the drug haze cleared and I was actually able to pronounce the word hysterectomy without mumbling, it hit hard. Please don't take this the wrong way. I am blessed and I know it. Thousands of people daily are told that they have a short time to live. Thousands more are told that they are about to enter a battle with a disease that they cannot pronounce. Worse than that thousands of parents are told that there children are ill. Please understand that I realize just how lucky I was to be told that what I had could be fixed with a rather routine procedure. It was, at the time, very difficult for me.
As we went about scheduling the surgery, deciding which grandparents would be on baby duty which days, and planning time off for my husband, my mind was constantly running in circles. It was a strange feeling. My sweet man and I felt that our family was complete. Somehow, though, the difference between choosing not to have another child and not being able to, was a big one. I was frightened that I would not survive the surgery. I can't really explain it, I was just scared. I prayed that I would survive. I was worried that my husband would think of me differently. I prayed that his love for me would remain. I was sad that I would never again feel the kicks and rolls of an infant in my belly. I was sad that I would never again hear my own newborns first cry and look into their eyes for the first time. And so I prayed for babies. I prayed that I would hold a newborn, even if it wasn't mine. That I would hear the gentle squeaks and smell that sweet head. People ask where I see God. I see him everywhere. In blades of grass and even in the wind. That being said there is no proof more magnificent to me than a newborn baby. These precious creatures that the Lord knows long before they are a glimmer in their parents eyes. I prayed for babies.
All of my prayers were answered. My prayers are always answered. Sometimes they are answered in His way and not the way I would have chosen, thankfully, but in this case, as they always are, they were all, once again, answered above and beyond what I had asked. The surgery went well. My recovery time was quick and much less painful than I expected. When the pathology returned a few weeks after the surgery we were stunned to find that we had dodged a bullet that previous tests had missed. Once again, as He always does, My God knew before I did just what he had in store long before it was revealed to me. My husbands love was steadfast and unchanging. My children were well cared for and happy with their grandparents. My Dad visited to help, and the time we spent together was more a gift to us both than I can put into words. As far as the babies? That, is the destination, and the purpose of this post.
Last fall I was reading my friends blog, http://http://www.mom2drew.blogspot.com//. Her blog has been such a blessing and has led me to places that I would not have known otherwise, including introducing me to the first baby. In this particular post she introduced me to the blog Bring the Rain. (http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/) She mentioned that we should head over and start from the beginning. Knowing my dear friend well enough to know that I should follow her directions, over I went. I will say here that you should head over and you absolutely should start from the beginning. I will add that you should get comfy, brew a pot of your favorite coffee or tea, turn off the phone, grab a box of tissues and prepare for your heart to be changed forever.
This blog is written by a woman named Angie Smith. Her husband Todd Smith is a singer for the Christan group Selah. If you have ever heard the song "Your Raise Me Up",sung by Josh Groban, you have got to listen to it sung by this band. It will give you crazy goosebumps. I don't want to share too much of the story of this sweet baby, Audrey Caroline, because I truly want you to read it through Angie's words, but I will give you a short back story. While on an ultrasound visit, the Smiths were told that there daughter would not survive. Upon receiving the news that is more devastating than I am able imagine, her doctor asked her what she was feeling. Her reply, was,"I think MY Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room." I find that to be a profound statement and even more profound, given the circumstances under which it was spoken. It resonated in my heart. They prayed for a miracle, that their daughter's earthly life, as short as God would chose for it to be, would be a blessing and would have deep meaning. It does. You can see by the comments made and by the count of hits on the blog that this little girls life has been a blessing to so many lives. God has used this small child and her precious parents to shine the light of His love on countless hearts. This tiny baby, who's mother I will most likely never meet and who I will never hold on earth has made an impact on my life that will continue. It is my hope that her story will do the same for you. I pray for this family. I pray that her message will continue. I pray that God will heal their hearts. I pray that, while I cannot provide words of comfort, that God will give their hearts that peace which does pass all understanding. I pray that they do realize just how deep and profound an impact this little girl has had on the lives of so many. This past Tuesday was her first birthday, and while her parents were not able to celebrate with her here on earth, I know that there was much rejoicing in heaven.
Through this blog I was introduced to yet another baby. His name is Stellan, and you can read his story at http://www.mycharmingkids.net/. I remember the first time my eyes fell on this sweet boy in a picture on the sidebar of his mother, Jennifer's, blog, that he has knowing eyes. To be completely truthful, I don't really know what that means. It was the first thing that came into my mind. I thought of the times I have heard someone call a child an old soul. I do not believe in reincarnation, but I know what they mean, and this child's eyes show it. He has a smile that would light up a room. His face, to me looks like he holds all of the mysteries. He is just precious. When you visit this blog you will see that his parents, just like Audrey's, were given devastating news. They prayed for a miracle. That miracle was given. More recently however, some major health issues have risen. His mother posts daily of news, of medicine , of diagnoses, and prayer requests. Again I pray. I pray that God will heal this little boy. I pray that He will give Stellan's parents that same peace. God knows the plan. He has it all laid out. They do not know the outcome, but they have given their son to God, whatever his plans may be.
In these times when we all have our calendars stacked with activities. Where it is easy to think that we are in control, but we are shown so often that we are not, I find peace and comfort in knowing that He carries me. He carries us all. I have no doubt or question about this fact. Looking back on my life I see so many times that He carried me. Times where if one thing hadn't happened the way that it did I would have missed something spectacular. There are times when I knew in that moment that I was carried,there are other times still, where I can look and see where I thought I was walking alone at the time, I see now so easily that it was my God, once again carrying me. One of the greatest blessings of my life is to know this. Just as if you asked Angie, or Jennifer, or so many others, there are so many times in this life when we don't see what's next. We don't see an end to suffering, or solutions to problems. We don't have the answers to the questions we ask. We don't know the wheres or the whys or the whens. It is not always for us to know, until the time in which is revealed. We are lucky though, because we know the Who. We know that it is Him. It is the Jesus who is the same no matter the circumstances. Our Jesus is the same whether we are dancing with joy, or shuddering from grief. He is there in our strength and our weakness. He is there, in the big picture and fine print. He is there. All we have to do is call on Him. All of the times in life when we want so much to be able to fix things. We want to fix them for others and for ourselves. We try, and so many times we fail. We are human. We have no superpowers. There have been so many times in my life where I would have given everything I have to have just the right thing in my arsenal to say or do just the right thing to fix something for someone. The picture then becomes perfectly clear. I have all of the arsenal I need. It surrounds me. He is my arsenal and I need nothing else than Him. And because of this I don't need to say just the right thing or fix anything all on my own. I can lift up a name along with others who do the same thing and He will take care of the details. Because of Him, women who would otherwise be strangers, become sisters. Because of Him, babies who I will never hold in my own arms, I will hold in my heart instead. I can lift up their names and the names of the parents and the doctors and He, again,will handle the details. This is a gift more amazing than any other. His love, His graciousness, His arms that carry me every single day, His peace, all of these things that I receive as absolutely undeserved gifts. I find it staggering to absorb. But it is there, and it is real. I feel it deep in my soul and carry it in my heart. The most amazing thing about it all as that the gift is free for the taking. He will give it to anyone who asks. Just as we run when we hear the cries of our own children, He is there waiting for us to call on Him, and he picks us up and heals us and carries us home.
I must mention that in addition to the blessings that Audrey Caroline and Stellan have been, my prayers have been answered even further by the recent birth of my niece Mila and by the upcoming births of another niece and the baby of one of my dearest friends. Come this Thanksgiving you will find that my arms and my heart will be full of babies. I will hold them and kiss them and sniff their sweet heads, and of course I will pray for them, that they will one day, come to know the amazing love that they have available to them.
I wanted to let you know, that in addition to prayer, we are able to help Stellan's family financially as well. I have added a button to my side bar. Click on the Praying for Stellan button on the top of the sidebar. This link will take you directly to Jennifer's blog and on her sidebar you will find a button for donations. Another way still, is that Jenifer's friend has started donations through Etsy sellers. I am joining this in an effort to help, because I have, so many times been helped by others. You can go to etsy.com, or click on my Etsy shop on the sidebar. This will take you directly to my shop. If you don't find something that is your style, just search Stellan and you will find other Etsy sellers who are joining as well. It is a great opportunity for all of us to help. All donations made from my store will be made in Audrey Caroline's name. Thanks ahead of time.
May you know blessings beyond your wildest imagination!
Anneliese
Boys Will Be...
9 years ago
